I enjoy driving on (clear and non-icy) country roads, I love to talk, and I adore Lu. So talking to her while I drove many an hour was not a shabby way to spend a day. She slept some and I was alone from my house to hers and on the way back. So I listened to quite a bit of Suze Orman. I loved her statement "Live in your truth," but that's a convo for another time.
Lu has been diagnosed with Familial Hypertriglyceridemia, basically genetic high triglycerides. In the course of finding out the best care and feeding for Lu (low fat, no simple sugars. No diuretics, beta blockers, Estrogen, or Antipsychotics for her! Unless she really needs them. and of course, no alcohol.) I asked about her siblings, ie me, the others too, but what can I do to prevent pancreatitis, it did not appear to be an enjoyable event in her life and I'd rather avoid it. We should have our cholesterol done annually and pay close attention to our triglycerides. And it wouldn't hurt to watch the mentioned issues.
Lu's illness shut some doors for me. The biggest one is directly related to Estrogen. OM has been positive Hope is our last child since before she was born. I agreed, in theory. My pregnancy with her was not so easy, I'm 37 and OM is 44, and we never have any money. And mostly OM was done, didn't even want to consider another child. I know it wouldn't be fair to him, or the child for that matter to push another baby on him. btw OM is an incredible dad, please believe me here, the man is willing to get up at 6:30 and read The Lord of the Rings to his kids since he is now working nights. He adores Hope, it is wonderful to watch. But he doesn't want any more. I agreed with him, but it was hard for me to admit my baby making and having days are over. (well, not the act, you know what I mean!) I've always agreed with my sister Jill, birth control is letting God know my thoughts on the matter. Ultimately it's up to God, and I was kinda hoping the IUD wouldn't work as well as it should. I've known it to happen.
But, now I feel differently. I am done having children, unless God decides differently, but I (mostly) hope not. I think there will always be a part of me that will yearn when holding a little one, a part that will look wistfully at a round belly. But my belly won't be round again, at least not with a baby. There are many factors in this decision, some listed above and some not. A big one is sister Cali's death in her forties, and now Lu's near miss in her late forties. I plan on being around a good long time, but I don't feel comfortable bringing another life in if I'm not long for this world. I know I'm being melodramatic, this is simply an (early) mid-life crisis, but I also know this decision is right.
Of course, I have Mirena IUD which is releasing a synthetic of Estrogen as we speak. So I guess I need to make a couple doctor appointments, one for me, one for OM.
No comments:
Post a Comment