Tomorrow I will fold the clean laundry strewn around the basement. Tomorrow I will wash the dishes and start cleaning out closets. I will organize the summer calendar, make some calls for Pampered Chef and maybe even go into school for a bit to clean my room. Tomorrow I will go the grocery store for more than a gallon of milk or a six pack of beer.
Tomorrow I will worry about those things, because today we buried my sister. Ever the drama queen, Cali died soon after midnight on May 14th, 2011. One year and one day after our mother passed. My sister J.J had arrived a couple hours before Cali died. J.J. brought with her her newborn daughter. They placed the baby in Cali's arms and I'm told Cali looked at the baby with an expression of sheer joy.
It seems the circle of life is very apparent in my family. Rarely do we mourn the passing of one family member without rejoicing at the birth of another. It is hard to believe Joni is gone. I've given all my family members nicknames on my blog in case someone outside starts reading me and my sisters have not asked for this attention. But today I will say her name. Today I mourn my sister Joni. When I was eight years old, she handed me The Little House on the Praire book. That day I read a book for pleasure for the first time. I have never stopped. I am an English teacher and she handed me my first book.
Good bye Joni. I love you.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Take my breath away
I've been reading and hearing a lot lately about "mindfulness" or meditation. I've tried meditating, I even went to a lesson on meditation with the youth group at church a couple years ago. I'm not very good at it. I know you are not suppose to say that. I know you are suppose to recognize your "monkey brain" and pull back to your breathing or something like that. I am all monkey brain all over the place, planning supper, wondering what other people are thinking and wanting to itch my nose. But by the fourth time this weekend I heard something about being present in the moment, I wanted to say to God, "Okay, I hear you! I'll try!"
So the other day I stopped by church and sat in the empty sanctuary. The minister invited us to use the space for listening to God. I decided that sounded like a good idea as it's really hard for me to just sit at home, there are dishes to wash and laundry to fold there. At church I could sit without feeling *too* guilty about it. I actually journaled while I sat there because just sitting was too scary. But still I figured it was a move towards it. It was nice, it was relaxing. I didn't yell at my kids much that night. Maybe it helped.
When Jon was a baby, I bought a lullaby cd (I know, monkey brain alert! I promise I will bring it all together). I picked it up in Borders to mock it, it is a Martha Stewart lullaby cd. I looked at it already to be all "really Martha, you do cds now?" Then I noticed the first song was Eva Cassidy singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," hmmm love the singer and love the song. Another track was "Closer to You" sung by Bare Naked Ladies, hmmm. So I bought it and we've loved it ever since. 
Yesterday was a snow day, (seriously, it's all going to come together!) I spent most of the day cleaning and doing laundry. I almost caught up with everything for once.
Then it was nap time for Hope. I was rocking her in her room with the "Sleepy time" cd on and suddenly, I was totally in the moment. The song "Take my Breath Away," was playing and Hope was looking at me with those big eyes and the moment seemed to expand and fold into it's self. It was beautiful.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Gifts
It's January 13th, probably time I post my Christmas post, hmm?
At one point, I mentioned to OM(old man) and a couple friends that I wanted to just skip Christmas this year. Much as I skipped Mother's Day. Of course, I didn't. But it was the first Christmas without my mom and probably Sister Cali's last Christmas. Not exactly cause for celebration. But it was also Hope's first Christmas, and Jon's 10th and Joey's 7th and they deserved a Christmas. And as Sister Jill put it, skipping Christmas wouldn't make next year's any easier. We need to live our lives. Sister Cali had already decided she'd come to the Large City to the North over New Years weekend and my side of the family would go up there to celebrate. So we went to North Carolina for Christmas with OM's family. His brother and SIL live in Durham with their two 3 year olds (not twins, I'll tell that story some other time).
The season was better than I could have hoped for because of some wonderful gifts. Some gifts were tangible, like the beautiful mother's ring OM gave me, but most were not.
Christmas Eve service - Just Hope and I went. OM and Jon were not feeling great. Our church does a very traditional candle lit service with the old carols. I sat up in the balcony holding Hope and cried. I cried in grief for my mom and Sister Cali and for my cousins who lost their dads this year. But I also cried in wonderment at the beauty in the church and the beauty of the little girl in my arms. It was a healing cry. When the lights came back on, I could belt out "Joy to the World".
My In Laws - I don't talk to my BIL or SIL often through out the year, it's easy to forget how much I enjoy their company. Even if I were not related to them, I would totally choose to spend time with them. We stayed at their house for 6 days. MIL and UIL (uncle in law) were also there for parts of our stay. I never felt like a bother to BIL or SIL. In fact, I felt welcomed and taken care of. I helped with dishes and cooking occasionally, I picked up some, and took care of Hopester. But for the most part I sat and listened and talked and felt valued just for being there. My BIL cracks me up. And his sense of humor is so similar to OM's. Sometimes I forget how funny my husband is, it took his brother to remind me. And my SIL asks questions, great questions, and then really listens to my answers. I hope they realize how much I value them.
Water slides - My side of the family stayed a hotel with a small water park. I went down the tube slide just before my dad. I watched him come off it and grin, a huge grin. It was good to see him so happy even for a moment. He is not a very demonstrative man just pure happy grins are rare.
My sister's daughter in law - Cali's husband was 20 years older. He had two daughters from previous marriages. One daughter lives next door to Cali, she joined Cali and Cali's son to the Midwest. She is such a blessing to us all.
Late nights - Starting when I was in college the best part of home visits were the late night gabs. Mom and Dad would be in bed and the siblings would sit up and talk. During those times, I started feeling like an adult not just a little sister. Loved it. Looking back, I have to wonder about Mom. She always had a crazy sleep schedule and loved to be in the middle of those things. I wonder if she really went to bed because she was tired or if she was giving us the chance to bond in ways we could with our parents around. I'm probably over thinking things. At any rate I've always treasured the time. Over the years, some spouses have joined in and others go to bed early. The first night the siblings talked, but Cali was not staying awake and it wasn't quite right. But the second night she'd gotten her wind and it was right. It was just the siblings and the two oldest grandkiddos (19 & 17) and we talked and we laughed and it was right.
At one point, I mentioned to OM(old man) and a couple friends that I wanted to just skip Christmas this year. Much as I skipped Mother's Day. Of course, I didn't. But it was the first Christmas without my mom and probably Sister Cali's last Christmas. Not exactly cause for celebration. But it was also Hope's first Christmas, and Jon's 10th and Joey's 7th and they deserved a Christmas. And as Sister Jill put it, skipping Christmas wouldn't make next year's any easier. We need to live our lives. Sister Cali had already decided she'd come to the Large City to the North over New Years weekend and my side of the family would go up there to celebrate. So we went to North Carolina for Christmas with OM's family. His brother and SIL live in Durham with their two 3 year olds (not twins, I'll tell that story some other time).
The season was better than I could have hoped for because of some wonderful gifts. Some gifts were tangible, like the beautiful mother's ring OM gave me, but most were not.
Christmas Eve service - Just Hope and I went. OM and Jon were not feeling great. Our church does a very traditional candle lit service with the old carols. I sat up in the balcony holding Hope and cried. I cried in grief for my mom and Sister Cali and for my cousins who lost their dads this year. But I also cried in wonderment at the beauty in the church and the beauty of the little girl in my arms. It was a healing cry. When the lights came back on, I could belt out "Joy to the World".
My In Laws - I don't talk to my BIL or SIL often through out the year, it's easy to forget how much I enjoy their company. Even if I were not related to them, I would totally choose to spend time with them. We stayed at their house for 6 days. MIL and UIL (uncle in law) were also there for parts of our stay. I never felt like a bother to BIL or SIL. In fact, I felt welcomed and taken care of. I helped with dishes and cooking occasionally, I picked up some, and took care of Hopester. But for the most part I sat and listened and talked and felt valued just for being there. My BIL cracks me up. And his sense of humor is so similar to OM's. Sometimes I forget how funny my husband is, it took his brother to remind me. And my SIL asks questions, great questions, and then really listens to my answers. I hope they realize how much I value them.
Water slides - My side of the family stayed a hotel with a small water park. I went down the tube slide just before my dad. I watched him come off it and grin, a huge grin. It was good to see him so happy even for a moment. He is not a very demonstrative man just pure happy grins are rare.
My sister's daughter in law - Cali's husband was 20 years older. He had two daughters from previous marriages. One daughter lives next door to Cali, she joined Cali and Cali's son to the Midwest. She is such a blessing to us all.
Late nights - Starting when I was in college the best part of home visits were the late night gabs. Mom and Dad would be in bed and the siblings would sit up and talk. During those times, I started feeling like an adult not just a little sister. Loved it. Looking back, I have to wonder about Mom. She always had a crazy sleep schedule and loved to be in the middle of those things. I wonder if she really went to bed because she was tired or if she was giving us the chance to bond in ways we could with our parents around. I'm probably over thinking things. At any rate I've always treasured the time. Over the years, some spouses have joined in and others go to bed early. The first night the siblings talked, but Cali was not staying awake and it wasn't quite right. But the second night she'd gotten her wind and it was right. It was just the siblings and the two oldest grandkiddos (19 & 17) and we talked and we laughed and it was right.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Priorities
I have a post started about Christmas Eve. I could easily write 7 posts about Christmas break, but later I will write one to sum it up because I don't have time to write 7 posts.
That is the subject of this post. "I don't have time." Seriously, I want to write. I want to be a writer, but I don't have time. I know that sounds like a crock. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. I know it's a matter of priorities, but what exactly do I knock off my priority list to add regular writing? The kids? My students/my job? Dishes, laundry? Grading? My husband?
I don't exercise. When I met with my doctor about taking an antidepressant (i.e. my crazy pill) and then with my minister about everything going on, they both suggested I see a counselor. I agree, anyone who has had the last year I have could benefit from counseling, but when?
When I talked to my minister I was also telling him I needed to step down from my volunteering with the youth group. I loved it, but something had to give. I used to attend an adult faith discussion once a week, loved it. Haven't been since the October before last. I do go to church almost every Sunday and go to book club once a month. It needs to be pretty serious to keep me from book club. I also "chit chat" at school sometimes when I should be grading and I spend a significant amount of time on the phone with a sister or other. But I process things by talking and I've had a few things to process lately. If I shared all I need to get out with my OM (Old Man) his head would blow up. Besides I'm rarely just talking on the phone, I'm usually breast feeding or pumping, doing the dishes or folding laundry while I'm talking.
You'll notice I didn't put sleep on my list to give up. That is not an option. Me getting any less sleep than I currently have been is very counter productive to my home life and my work. I've tried it. And I do read everyday. That's not going anywhere. I read every night before going to sleep and spare moments through out the day, while eating breakfast, breast feeding, on the toilet, doctor offices, during silent reading at school among other times and places. I even used to read at stop lights. A fender bender 12 years ago stopped that! Giving reading up is also counter productive. Some of my reading is for school and it builds my writing, I'm sure. But most of all, I am a bitch if I don't have a novel or memoir going.
I sat down to write this post a couple hours ago. OM had taken the guys over to his mom's empty house to watch the Oregon Ducks on her cable. It was just Hope and me home. I decided to ignore the dirty dishes in the sink as well as the clean laundry all over the floor. I wasn't going to sort through the bills or finish addressing the Christmas Cards (yes, I know it's January 10th, I'm still going to send them out! I spent the money on the damn things). I wasn't going finish grading the quiz my students' took of Friday. No, I was going to write this post come heck or high water... or poop. I had written less then a paragraph when I realized Hope was poopy. sigh. I changed her and went back to write two more paragraphs when OM and the guys came home. They couldn't get MIL's tv to work.
So here it is, 11:03 and I am finally finishing this post. It may not be my greatest writing, but it's about to be published. Because I've got to go brush my teeth, take my crazy pill, read a little and go to sleep. Tomorrow's another busy, busy day.
That is the subject of this post. "I don't have time." Seriously, I want to write. I want to be a writer, but I don't have time. I know that sounds like a crock. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. I know it's a matter of priorities, but what exactly do I knock off my priority list to add regular writing? The kids? My students/my job? Dishes, laundry? Grading? My husband?
I don't exercise. When I met with my doctor about taking an antidepressant (i.e. my crazy pill) and then with my minister about everything going on, they both suggested I see a counselor. I agree, anyone who has had the last year I have could benefit from counseling, but when?
When I talked to my minister I was also telling him I needed to step down from my volunteering with the youth group. I loved it, but something had to give. I used to attend an adult faith discussion once a week, loved it. Haven't been since the October before last. I do go to church almost every Sunday and go to book club once a month. It needs to be pretty serious to keep me from book club. I also "chit chat" at school sometimes when I should be grading and I spend a significant amount of time on the phone with a sister or other. But I process things by talking and I've had a few things to process lately. If I shared all I need to get out with my OM (Old Man) his head would blow up. Besides I'm rarely just talking on the phone, I'm usually breast feeding or pumping, doing the dishes or folding laundry while I'm talking.
You'll notice I didn't put sleep on my list to give up. That is not an option. Me getting any less sleep than I currently have been is very counter productive to my home life and my work. I've tried it. And I do read everyday. That's not going anywhere. I read every night before going to sleep and spare moments through out the day, while eating breakfast, breast feeding, on the toilet, doctor offices, during silent reading at school among other times and places. I even used to read at stop lights. A fender bender 12 years ago stopped that! Giving reading up is also counter productive. Some of my reading is for school and it builds my writing, I'm sure. But most of all, I am a bitch if I don't have a novel or memoir going.
I sat down to write this post a couple hours ago. OM had taken the guys over to his mom's empty house to watch the Oregon Ducks on her cable. It was just Hope and me home. I decided to ignore the dirty dishes in the sink as well as the clean laundry all over the floor. I wasn't going to sort through the bills or finish addressing the Christmas Cards (yes, I know it's January 10th, I'm still going to send them out! I spent the money on the damn things). I wasn't going finish grading the quiz my students' took of Friday. No, I was going to write this post come heck or high water... or poop. I had written less then a paragraph when I realized Hope was poopy. sigh. I changed her and went back to write two more paragraphs when OM and the guys came home. They couldn't get MIL's tv to work.
So here it is, 11:03 and I am finally finishing this post. It may not be my greatest writing, but it's about to be published. Because I've got to go brush my teeth, take my crazy pill, read a little and go to sleep. Tomorrow's another busy, busy day.
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