The Gifts of Bedrest

I could easily write another way too long post detailing how much bedrest sucks, how frustrating it is to be stuck down while the house falls apart around me, how I feel my muscles turn to mush. let alone not being able to go see my mom. But enough with the Debbie Downer, let's try the sunny side of the street, shall we?

When I'd been couch bound for a couple days, Joey told me, "There's one good thing about you being on bedrest. I always know where to find you." Everybody now, awwww. Of course, then comes the never ending guilt, does he usually not know where to find me? But still that was pretty cute.

I've gotten to spend more time with my kiddos, really talking and listening to them. I spend a lot of time around my guys, but usually I'm doing something else at the same time. I'm doing the dishes or cooking or picking up. But now I'm stuck down, they come down and I really talk to them. Or I listen to them tell me about their day. It is really wonderful to listen to them play together, they get into the Legos and they are so fun to hear. I would never normally hear that. And I am reading Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets to Joe and Jon is listening. Since Jon was six, I've read him one of the Harry Potter books each summer. Last year, Joey was ready to start them. After I finish book 2 with Joe, Jon and I will start book 4, The Goblet of Fire. Here are my goofballs listening.

I mentioned spring in the last post. I haven't been outside a whole lot since being put on bed rest. But when the stars align, it's nice outside and Jim is willing to get me a chair and be on my beck and call, I go sit in the front yard. The guys ride their scooters and run around and I sit and enjoy the sun. I don't feel guilty about not wedding the flower beds or getting the veggies in the ground because I'm not allowed. I need to just sit there and soak in the sun.

Besides Harry Potter, I've had more time to read. I really enjoyed The Help, I would highly recommend it. I was able to finish The Fiery Cross, well over a thousand pages of Gabaldon. I didn't think there was a chance I would finish it before Little Miss was born. Today I finished The Middle Place, another great book.

But the greatest gift of bed rest has been the support that has surrounded my family. The wonderful ladies of my book group set up a schedule and have brought meals every day since I was hospitalized. They have meals set up until the end of May. Isn't that amazing! My sisters, JJ, and Peg, came down with their kiddos this weekend. It was fun to watch the kiddos play, but they also brought a ton of baby supplies, and JJ cleaned my house. One friend is picking up Joey for school everyday and another friend has taken Jon out to her house to run several times. Friends stop by with food, books, or magazines or just to talk. I feel so blessed.

My niece and nephew and my belly. Aren't we cute?

Every pregnant woman should have a Superwomen tee shirt. Because, hello, growing a new life, what better super power could there be? Besides, my mom had one when she was expecting my sister. Notice my magazines and remotes all within reaching distance. I was going to dress up a little or maybe put on some makeup for this picture, but I decided to keep it real. This is where I spend much of my day and this is how I look. I did shower though. That doesn't happen everyday.

Spring is finally here

It was a really long winter. A really, really long winter, and it is over. Part of me really believed that when winter was over things would start improving for my family. Well, the grass was green and the tulips were up for a while before things started to improve, but things, they are improving!
I came home from the hospital and my tulips were blooming. Aren't they beautiful? I really think this is the best year ever for my tulips. It's amazing how happy my blooming tulips made me even though my mom was in really bad shape and I was on bed rest to prevent preterm labor. The tulips were another proof life was going on. That "This old world must still be turning round," to quote James Taylor.



So the first Sunday of my bed rest was one of the worst days of my life, and not to be overly dramatic, but that's really saying something! It was such a helpless feeling, not knowing if I would ever see my mom again, and not being able to go to her even though she was little more than an hour away. Then my sicko mind started spinning, what if Mom died? And my crazy starts worrying about not being able to go to a funeral. And I need my mom and what if...



My guys were trying to help me, but nothing they did was quite up to how I thought it needed to be done. I didn't throw many fits about it, I tried to remember that as long as the toys were picked up, it didn't matter where they were put. But it upped the stress. And then there were the lesson plans that needed to be finished. Jim took me to school, it took longer than I thought it would. I was sitting up for awhile, I had contractions, I took the pill to stop them. The pill makes me jittery, that helps when trying to type. It was a very bad day.



But Monday was better. JJ called from Mom's hospital room. Mom recognized her and said her name. I stayed down most the day, except when I went in to the doctor and she said everything looked good. Tuesday was even better, Mom sat up and was talking and making some sense. A neighbor brought a meal for us. And Thursday, Mom called me. I cried the minute I heard her voice. Her voice was low and I didn't understand stand everything she said, but she wanted to know how I was doing. By agreement with my dad, we played down things a little. She doesn't know I was hospitalized and my dad didn't say "bed rest." He just said the doctor told me to lay down most the time and to take things easy. And the icing on the cake was Friday, we got the bone marrow biopsy back. The horrible awful chemo that took my mom away from us for three days, worked. The cancer was dying, we were preparing for the bone marrow transplant.



Spring is here.

When we last left our heroine

The heroine being me. When we last left me, now that's an odd sentence, I was in my sister's car heading home for 3 1/2 weeks of bedrest, bawling my eyes out. My sister, JJ, is not emotionally demonstative in ordinary situations. Of course, finding out your mother was incoherent and may stay that way is not ordinary. But JJ was going to be giving a talk to a roomful of undergrads in less than an hour, she could not break down. When she does breakdown, it takes her a lot longer to put herself back together. She has since apologized for letting me cry alone in her car without even hugging me, but I understood even then. JJ and I are very different, but I know her, don't always understand her, but I know her. She is almost exactly 12 months younger than me, she is part of almost all of my childhood memories.

JJ and I went back to my house. We had lunch then she went to her talk. And the longest weekend of my life started. When JJ was on bedrest, I remember thinking how lovely it would be to be told, "Stay put, don't get up, just lay there." I was very wrong. It is so frustrating to see what needs to be done and not able to just get up and do it! Plus, my house is a split foyer, you walk in the door and have to choose, seven steps to go upstairs or seven steps to go downstairs. Upstairs is the guys room, a bathroom with bathtub, the living room (with no couch) and the kitchen. Downstairs is our bedroom, our bathroom with the only shower, family room with the good TV and couch and the laundry room with the extra fridge. I can go up and down the stairs twice a day, so I have to choose, kitchen or couch. And if I forget something downstairs, I'm without it! My guys did a nice job of helping me out, but they had their own agenda that mostly involved their DSs. I think bed rest would be frustrating anytime, but combined with my mom being sick it was horrible.

I had asked my doctor if I could go see my mom, I promised I would lay back in the car and then just stay in the recliner in her room. My doctor gave me the go ahead. After all, if I did go into true labor, my doctor would send me up to the biggish city to the north where Mom was hospitalized. Sure, Mom was in the other hospital, but I had faith Jim could get me to my hospital pretty quickly!
Sunday morning I made my first trip upstairs. Obviously, I wasn't going to church and Jim is not a big fan of going without me so he slept in. My plan for the day included finishing the lesson plans for the sub for the rest of the year (that's fun), dropping them off at school and make a few copies for the sub, then heading up to see my mom. But the dishes were driving me insane, so would get up, do a couple dishes, then sit down with my feet up for 30 minutes. Not exactly what the doctor ordered, but close!

Then my dad called me. Again, very unusual. Mom was about the same he told me, still not really talking, or rather not making sense. Dad also told me to stay home. He wanted me not to come see Mom, the room was small, there was no place for me to lay down and Mom wouldn't know I was there. He told me to stay home and do what I could to keep my baby safe. He was right, I knew that. But I hung up and cried, really hard. I tried to contain myself, I knew crying that hard was not good for me, but stopping was not possible. I actually went back to the sink washed the rest of the dishes while I bawled. Not what the doctor ordered, but I couldn't sit still.

When I calmed down, I laid down and called my sister Peg to tell her I wouldn't be going to see Mom. Peg was wonderful, she understood that I was upset, but she agreed with Dad. Her reasoning was the last thing Dad needed was one more thing to worry about. I realized, it was hard for Mom when she was in labor with my youngest sister and nearly died, but that was Dad's experience too. He thought he had lost them both and would go home to six motherless children. He never talks about it, he doesn't talk about emotional stuff ever, but it was his life too. He did not need me risking anything. I don't think it would have been in risk, but I had to honor his wishes. So I stayed home.

There is no normal

So for the last while, every time I think, "Okay, so life seems to be settling down a little. We seem to be finding the new normal." The floor drops out again. So I have stopped thinking that, or at least saying it out loud.

I hadn't said it or even thought it last Wednesday. Really, I hadn't. I had maybe contemplated that the fact none of Mom's siblings being a match was the latest bad thing, and maybe we would have a little break from the bad. Okay, that's okay to think right?

So, last Wednesday I was teaching 7th grade math and I coughed. And anyone who has ever been 32 weeks pregnant for the third time knows what happened next. Except it felt different, I thought, hmm was that pee or something else? Then I had a contraction.

"Okay kiddos, lets go into the computer lab and work on the math program." "Are we going to finish correcting this?" "Nope, you guys head in there and I'm going to run to the office, I'll be right with you." I went to the ladies room and still couldn't decide. I knew my water hadn't broken like it had with both of my guys, but I'd read about ladies having sprung a leak.

I went back to my kiddos, finished the class just a tad distracted. When the bell rang, I went straight to the phone and called my sister, of course. Went back and forth as to if I should go in or not. The tests to determine if it was amniotic fluid was inconclusive, ph paper said yes, ferning said no. But the fFN test came back positive (go ahead, google it. I'll be here) and I was dilated to 2. So I had an ultrasound, my cervix length measured 2 centimeters, if you're wondering. I would be spending the night in the hospital.

Hubby had picked up the kids and fed them supper. School was basically taken care of, I had already planned on having a sub on Thursday. I was going to spend the day with my mom. I called my dad and told him I wouldn't be able to come up. He said he wouldn't tell Mom that I was in the hospital, just that I wasn't feeling good. I was fine with that, he said she'd been kinda mixed up and he didn't want to confuse her.

My dad and I don't usually talk much. He is naturally a quiet man and Mom usually runs interference between us. But now we have to talk, it felt so weird to be telling my dad that I thought my water broke and that I was dilating. That is so a Mom conversation. I told him everything would be okay and that it was like when my sister J.J. had preterm labor a couple years ago. It wasn't exactly the same, she hadn't been dilating and had regular contractions. I was having some contractions but not regular.
But my mom had gone into preterm labor with my youngest sister and Mom had nearly died. My sister was on bed rest for 5 weeks, was up for a couple week before they induced her. She had a healthy baby girl. So I figured it was better to compare my situation to my sister's rather than my mom's. So I downplayed things just a little for my dad. Said I would probably be up over the weekend. He sounded so... tired. I guess tired is the best way to say it, he didn't sound like the Dad I knew.

They started me on a steroid to develop Little Miss' lungs in case she did show up. I was on a monitor to watch the contractions and some medicine to stop the contractions. I was tested for Strep B and started on an IV antibiotic and fluid. If things did develop further, I would be sent to the Biggish city to the north. The same city my mom is hospitalized in, unfortunately we would be in different hospitals. But her hospital specializes bone marrow transplants, mine in taking care of babies, so we would both be in the right place for us.

My doctor came in in the morning, I was dilated to 3, damn it! But she said I could stay here for the day and she would check on me later to decide if I needed to be moved up. Long day of channel surfing. But that night I had an Ambian, I slept better than I have in months!

When my doctor came in Friday morning, I was still dilated to 3 and hadn't had many contractions over night. She said I could go home, yippee! But on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy, not so yippee.

My sister, J.J., was going to be in town to give a talk at the college. Hubby had to teach, he has missed so many classes this semester, so JJ was going to give me a ride home. Our oldest sister, Lu, was going to spend the day with Mom and Dad. As I was packing things up and trying to figure out how to plan for a sub for the rest of the school year, Lu called. She asked where I was and if JJ was there yet. When I said no, she said we should call her when JJ got there and she would let us know what Mom's doctor. I asked if Lu was okay, she said yep just call when JJ and I were together.

I hung up the phone and started to cry. If Lu had good news she would have told me, whatever the hell was going on wasn't good. I tried not to totally break down, because that wouldn't help my situation at all. But, seriously? It's my mom, I need my mom. I took a couple deep breaths and called for the nurse. I'd only had a small contraction, but I figured I should take the pill to stop the contractions because I knew more were coming. The pill makes me jittery, but it's worth it.

JJ got there. She'd talked to Lu and basically got the same cryptic call me when you are together. JJ said it was a really long 40 minute drive from the Biggish city to the south where she lives. We loaded up and got in the car, we needed to stop at the pharmacy for my meds and the deli for lunch. But as soon as we got in the car, we called Lu and put her on speaker phone. I will never forget sitting in the drive through window at the pharmacy and listening to my sister drop the latest bomb. Mom was basically incoherent, muttering but making no sence, not recognizing anyone, not able to do anything for herself. The doctors didn't know if she would come back to us. They thought it was a side effect of one of the three very strong chemos she was on, but it could be encephalitis. They couldn't test for encephalitis, her blood count was too low. So they were treating encephalitis and were giving the antidote for the chemo. (even in this crazy conversation, the fact that they have an antidote for the chemo kinda cracked me up.)

But the kicker was, even if she came out of this, we weren't sure if the chemo had had a chance to kill the bone marrow and it was the last option. If she came back to us, there was a good chance it would be to say good bye, and I was on fucking bed rest. If you're wondering, this is what composes a really bad day.

Fortunately

There’s a really fun kids book called Fortunately by Remy Charlip. It tells of one man’s adventures alternating from good events to bad events, fortunately and unfortunately. It’s a great writing assignment for students and can result in some really funny and creative stories. Below is my past six months in the Fortunately format. This is not a work of fiction; this is my life.

Fortunately, I found out I was pregnant in late September. My husband and I were thrilled! We have been trying on and off for 3 years and had nearly given up. We have two healthy boys, 8 and 6, but really wanted one more.

Unfortunately, my 42-year-old sister who lives in California was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer the same day as my first ob visit. Pancreatic cancer is one of the deadliest cancers.

Fortunately, my brother’s wife found out she was expecting a baby too!

Unfortunately, I had nonstop morning sickness for the first 3 1/2 months of my pregnancy. Chicken noodle soup still turns my stomach.

Fortunately my sister’s tumor was operable. Pancreatic cancer isn’t usually, but she was able to have the Whipple procedure. I goggled it and quickly learned goggling medical procedures is not a good idea when one is 3 months pregnant.

Unfortunately, my sister’s recovery from the surgery took longer than expected. She spent over a month in the hospital before going home to recover then starting chemo and radiation.

Fortunately my parents were able to fly out there to be with her and her husband and son.

Unfortunately, her husband got sick while my parents were there.

Fortunately, I was able to spend the week before Christmas at a beach house with my husband’s family. It was so relaxing and fun to see my boys playing on the beach and with their cousins they don’t get to see often.
Unfortunately, there was a huge storm across the Midwest when we were supposed to fly home. We’d planned to spend Christmas day with my side of the family (except, of course, my sister in California who would be with her family out there.)

Fortunately, we were able to reschedule the family gathering for New Year’s weekend.

Unfortunately, my brother in law got much sicker. He was in renal failure. My parents went back to California. He passed away January 4th.

Fortunately, the all six other siblings were able to fly out to be with our sister for the funeral.

Unfortunately, Mom was feeling crappy and started feeling worse.

Fortunately, we were able to convince her to go to a doctor out there to be checked out. She wanted to wait until she got back to the Midwest.

Unfortunately, Mom was diagnosed with leukemia and lymphoma.

Fortunately, she was able to fly home for treatment. The doctors told us she had a fast growing cancer, but it usually was very responsive to chemotherapy.

Fortunately, I found out we would be having a little girl. After trying for so long, I really would have been happy to have either a boy or a girl. But my mom really wanted me to have a girl, so I was thrilled to give her good news.

Unfortunately, the ultrasound also found that Little Miss and I shared a two-vessel cord, instead of the normal three-vessel cord. It can be correlated to birth defects.

Fortunately, the baby is just fine. The specialist said her heart is great but wanted us to have extra ultrasound to be sure she continue growing. At the last ultrasound, she was in the 94th percentile. She seems to be growing just fine!

Unfortunately, two of my dad’s brothers passed away, one in February and one in March. They’d both been sick for a while and had both made the choice not to prolong their lives by signing DNRs. It was hard to lose them, and harder to see my dad without my mom at the funerals. She’s been hospitalized nearly solid since January 11th.

Fortunately, my sister’s cancer has reacted well to the chemo and radiation. She has a couple more months of weekly chemo, but currently her chemo marker numbers are in the normal ranges. I was able to spend a couple days with her in March. She is one hell of a fighter!

Unfortunately, my mother’s leukemia is not reacting to the chemo. The lymphoma is, but the leukemia is not. The doctor’s decided she needed a bone marrow transplant.

Fortunately, she has three healthy siblings to be tested.

Unfortunately, none of them are a match.

Fortunately, there are many potential matches in the national donor pool. We are hopeful there will be a match.

Fortunately, we still have treatment options. Fortunately, we are surrounded by an amazing group of friends and families who have give support, brought food, and prayed for us. Fortunately we have hope.

By the way, my husband and I are still working on a name for our daughter. We are seriously considering Hope.