And the world smiles with you

I am usually a pretty upbeat person.  I've always been relatively laid back, well, that doesn't completely describe it.  I am hyper sometimes and sensitive most the time.  And I have dealt with depression which is its own monster. But my mode of operation is generally positive.

I remember thinking in high school being positive wasn't cool, too Pollyanna.  So I tried to down play it.  When someone asked how I was doing, I'd say, "Tired," or "Bored".  During study hall, I was sitting with a new student.  I went to a small school, around 75 students per grade, it was the consolidation of four small  farm towns, the school was literally in the middle of a corn field.  We didn't have many new students and this girl was something altogether different.  She moved there from Chicago to live with a relative, aunt or grandma, to get away from the gangs.  Well, that was the story told around town, this was also when "Fresh Prince" was on TV so who knows.  So she sat down next to me a couple weeks into her stay, and asked how I was.  I responded with tired or something along those lines and she said I must have a hard life because whenever she asked how I was, the answer was negative. I realized that was NOT who I wanted to be.  Because I really am a generally happy person, it wasn't hard to make the change.

Even in the midst of really hard times, when someone asks how I'm doing, I generally say, "Peachy".  Although, sometimes I have a bit of an ironic tone to it.  But I'm not lying, I am doing peachy, good enough, can't complain.  Well, I usually can complain about something, but why bother, doesn't help.  Okay, I do complain more than I wish I did, but I'm trying! 

And, I try to avoid lying, even white lies.  I certain fall short of that one, but I try.  When my kids ask a questions, I try to be truthful to the degree they are ready for it. We do have Santa and the Tooth Fairy, but when they question it, I tell them the truth.  I resigned from my position before having a new job because signing a contract I did not intend to fulfill felt like a lie and I wasn't comfortable with it.

But all this, this move with no set plans, no job offer, no certainty, this sucks.  I'm starting to have a really hard time being upbeat. People are so nice, and maybe nosy, in our small town, almost anytime I go somewhere I run into a friend, or church member, or a parent of one of my former students, and they always ask how things are going and if we have jobs yet.  And it is driving me nuts!  I really do think most people mean well, but I'm really starting to wish I'd signed my contract and just looked for jobs without saying anything!

I am trying though, trying to look at the good, anticipate the journey, and appreciate what I do have.  Even if I do go nuts in the process.

As you like it

"All the world 's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts" - ( Quote Act II, Scene VII). 
 Shakespeare

Or as my minister put it a couple weeks ago, "Life is all about the comings and goings."

Well, we are exiting or going or however you want to put it.  We are moving from my beloved small college town to the Minneapolis/ St. Paul area.  I resigned from a job I LOVED because I could no longer afford to work there.  For the past four years, since finishing his Masters, Old Man has been teaching as an adjunct professor at several different private and community colleges.  He has been applying and applying for full time work all over this area it hasn't been happening.  So I have been carrying the family insurance on my (very expensive) work plan.  

Things were fiscally tight, but okay.  Then came The Year - when my sister and mom had cancer, and extended family members kept dying and I was on bed rest with baby girl. (It was actually about 18 months, but I think of it as The Year.)  Anyway, we were not terribly careful with our money during that time.  We ran up credit card debt flying out to see my sister and on quick meals and such.  OM had a better paying visiting instructor job for a time, we paid off some bills, but also spent more than we should have, figuring his salary would only go up.

It didn't.  He actually had a 75% pay cut at the beginning of the school year.  He found another adjunct position, but it didn't make up the whole salary and he was working a ton more.  Second semester, he was working less, and getting paid less.  Things got really tight.  

Then the final blow came. I got my contract for next year.  I would be getting a roughly $600 a year raise, but insurance would be going up 15%.  For full family that is about $125 a month, more. Insurance on my husband and three children, with a $2000 deductible would be nearly $1000 a month.  I cannot get paid less.

So I resigned, put our house on the market, and started applying for jobs.  It's been about six weeks since we made the decision, and nothing much has changed.  House has not sold, no new job for either of us, I shouldn't say nothing has changed.  The stress level, she keeps going up!

Palm Sunday

Yesterday our church service was beautiful. It really was. The choir, bell choir and a group of local musicians performed a bluegrass mass. It was unusual and amazing. We are very lucky to live in small college town with truly talented musicians performing at our church every Sunday. But this was incredible even for them. At one point during the bells' section, my heart literally moved with the music.

But... it wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted a sermon. I wanted to hear my minister give his thoughts on Palm Sunday on April Fool's day. It can't happen very often. Both days are simply made up days, we all know that. The calendar is our way of trying to organize God's time. But it seems strangely appropriate to me.

When I taught in North Carolina, a student told me "fool" was the worst thing you could call a person and his grandma would "get after me" for saying it. But we are fools, aren't we? So often we think we are in charge of our lives, but we're not. Even those who don't believe, have to admit, we are not really in charge of our destiny. We make choices and pick paths, but powers outside of our control can turn everything on its head.

Is it okay if I tape this conversation?

For obvious reasons, I can't get into details, but oh ladie, it was a week!

I was in a meeting this afternoon during which my student teacher made the statement above. Honestly I was fine with the conversation being taped. But, wow, don't know if I would ever have the balls to walk in and say that. Again, can't really get into it, but she has demonstrated some serious boundary issues as well as poor planning and has not done a great job in the classroom. All in all having a student teacher, has not been what I expected.

This is actually my second student teacher. The first guy was nice enough, but he had no intention of teaching. He was getting a degree in special education and then was going to school for school psychology. Again, nice guy, did a fine job, but felt a bit like a waste of my time.

But this, this has been something else all together. But she will be teaching next week. And I will be writing more often, shouldn't be too hard.