Sitting and waiting

I'm sitting in my mother's hospital room. My dad and husband went downstairs to eat. My kids and most of my sister's are 3 hours away at my nephew's graduation celebration. I'm sitting by the window, the sun is on the side of my face. Mom is sleeping. I am losing my mom. She is leaving us. Tomorrow is Mother's Day.

My cousin, Sara, sat with me for awhile. She lost her dad in February. She said a couple times that it wasn't fair, everything going on. I thought, hell, I gave up fair a long time ago. This isn't fair, it just is.

Mom has slept most the day. She wakes up a little when new company comes and then drifts back to sleep. I was a little frustrated earlier, feeling like she would wake up for other company and sleep for me. Why couldn't she wake up and talk to me? But when all the company was gone for a little while, she woke up and grabbed my hand. "We need to talk," she said. She told me she was worried about my dad and how would he handle life without her. I assured her we would take care of Dad. She said the house must be a mess, she couldn't imagine the last time it was dusted. I told her I'd take my Flylady feather duster over there and dust it. She smiled at that. Then she told me what she wants to wear. It took me a second to realize she meant for her funeral. I listened carefully and told her we'd take care of it. She wants to wear long sleeves because her arms are bruised and she doesn't want anyone to see them. Then she told me which jewelery she wants to wear. Her wedding ring is too big right now, but she doesn't want it to be cut. I told her we would put tape on the back of it so it would look good. Of course, we'll take care of it, I told her. We were both crying, I sat on the edge of her bed and hugged her over our two big bellies. Mine holding a new life, hers full of cancer.

When I talked to JJ yesterday, she said her anger towards God was directed about Christmas. Why couldn't we have had one more Christmas? It's Mom's favorite holiday, it's Mom's birthday for Christ sakes! There was a huge blizzard this past Christmas. We were all suppose to get together in Minneapolis. I was stranded in North Carolina, Cali couldn't leave California. Lu was stuck in her town. JJ, Peg, and Duff were together in the Biggish City to the South. AJ was the only one in Minneapolis where she lives, she was with her in laws. Mom and Dad spent Christmas home with just each other. I called Mom from the beach house. I was happy to be stranded in a beach house rather than an airport. Mom seemed okay, but she was a little pissy. I told her she and Dad had had 40 some odd Christmases surrounded by family like she enjoys, now they were having Dad's type of quiet Christmas. They ate something they both enjoyed and then played cards, gin rummy I believe. Besides, I told Mom we would all be together for New Years and there would be tons more Christmases. Of course, we didn't get together for New Year's. Cali's husband got sick and Mom and Dad drove out there. Mom wasn't feeling good. She was diagnosed out there, the day before Cali's husband's funeral. That is one crazy ass sentence.