When we were leaving, we bumped into Dad in the hallway. Chit chatted a little. He was worried about Mom. She seemed to be getting weaker rather than stronger. He said he'd pestered the doctor until they did another CAT scan. We would know the results on Friday he thought.
Yesterday, I tried to call my dad to see if they'd gotten the results. He didn't answer. So I tried to call Joni. I wanted to see if she'd heard about the scan, but I also wanted to see if she'd bought anything for Mother's Day or if she wanted to go together with Lu and me. She answered, I said, hi it's Gina and she started crying. I asked her what was the matter, she asked if I'd talked to Dad yet. I tried to get her to tell me what was going on, she said I needed to talk to Dad and then call her back. I asked if she had someone with her, she said someone was coming, then we hung up. And I waited for Dad's call, it was awful. I called Jim, I paced, I waited.
Dad called. He asked where I was and if I had someone I could talk to after we got off the phone. The CAT scan had shown that the Lymphoma was back. They exhausted all their options including some experimental ones. Did I understand what that meant? Yes. I asked about hospice, he would be meeting someone about it. He didn't think she would be able to go home, but she would be going to a hospice facility. I asked how long, he said a couple weeks. I stayed mostly calm while on the phone. I asked if I should come up and he said no. Dad told me to take care of myself and the baby and to call my minister and Jim. I told Dad my doctor said the baby could be born next week and be okay. He said yeah, that's how it seemed to work in his life. A new life comes as another life slips away. I asked if I could do anything, and he said he couldn't think of anything.
I hung up and started crying. Then I started screaming, almost keening like the women did back in history. A very small rational part of my brain would remind me every once in awhile to breathe, that the baby needed oxygen. I did not want to go into labor.
I paced. I picked up. I called Jim, he said he would come home early. I called my minister. He said, Wow, and that he would visit soon.
I cry some, then I'm okay. I've told a few people. Lu updated the Caringbridge site last night after Dad had called everyone. I've sent a couple e-mails to friends far away. Jim took me to my doctor appointment. I'm fine, dilated to four, but my doctor said I can go back and see my mom today. My doctor was very nice. After Monday, I think I'm going to do whatever I can to go into labor quickly. I think, but then again, if she stays put, then I'm able to go up to see my mom. But then I'm always waiting and wondering if I'm going to go into labor. I don't know.
I told the guys with Jim by my side. That was hard. I explained that Grandma's cancer was worse and the medicine wasn't helping anymore and that she would be going to heaven. Jon cried. Joey asked why he was crying. Joey asked if everyone who has cancer dies, and I said no. Although I guess everyone dies eventually. Jim says I handled telling the guys well, I don't know.
People, the few I've seen, want to hug me. I don't want to be hugged. I don't know why. I'm usually a hug person, but I don't want to hug. My MIL brought supper over last night. At one point she asked something about Mother's Day. I wanted to scream. I don't give a shit about Mother's Day right now.
Almost everyone loses their mom at some point. Unless the mother loses a child, which is worse, I know that. I've had my mother twice as long as she had hers. She's been there for me for so many things. I'm not ready. And my mom having weeks to live when I will give birth in the next couple weeks, what the hell?
My mom holding Joey six years ago.
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