My cup overflowith

There are so many thing to post about. The absolute joy I can experience looking at my daughter, even saying the words, "my daughter." I have a daughter. The deep down ache when I remember I'm a motherless daughter. The struggle of learning to nurse again after six years, compounded by my daughter's tongue being tied. (The title of the post was originally a reference to the unbelievably hugeness of my boobies. They were flat out scary big for a couple days there! But then I realized it kinda sums things up.) The irrational anger I felt toward an older couple at the doctor's office, why did they get to grow old together and my parents didn't? Trying to define a new relationship with my dad as an adult without my mom as mediator.

I miss my mom, I wish she could see Hope. I do wonder about heaven. I believe in heaven even though I have no concept of what it looks like or feels like. I do have an idea, I guess. Sometimes, when I'm cuddling with one of my children, or I hear an amazing piece of music or I see a beautiful landscape I feel something inside my chest grow or change. It almost feels like my heart is breaking in a good way. I think it may be my soul changing. I think heaven must feel something like that.

I wonder, though, when does a soul enter a body? The movement I felt inside of me, was that Hope or was that just random body reactions? Hope was born six days after my Mom left this world. Did they meet in heaven? Did my Mom hold my daughter before I did? Or is that just wishful thinking? A year ago, I probably would have thought the soul is within the child before birth. I don't know now. A year ago, I was not even sure if we remain our souls when we enter heaven or if we become part of the collective soul of God. What am I talking about? I'm still not sure. I don't think I believe in reincarnation. Life is hard enough the first time through, I don't think we do it over and over.

I love my daughter's name, but I wonder if it is to big for a little girl. Now I am seeing the word "hope" everywhere. I just read "Joy School" by Elizabeth Berg, one of my favorite authors. The plot was okay, but there were some amazing lines, toward the end, "After despair comes hope." How appropriate is that? And I went back to church Sunday, I only went to church once in April and didn't go at all in May. Bed rest and then I just couldn't go on Mother's Day or the Sunday after we lost Mom. The title of the sermon, "Hope never disappoints." Well then.