There is no normal

So for the last while, every time I think, "Okay, so life seems to be settling down a little. We seem to be finding the new normal." The floor drops out again. So I have stopped thinking that, or at least saying it out loud.

I hadn't said it or even thought it last Wednesday. Really, I hadn't. I had maybe contemplated that the fact none of Mom's siblings being a match was the latest bad thing, and maybe we would have a little break from the bad. Okay, that's okay to think right?

So, last Wednesday I was teaching 7th grade math and I coughed. And anyone who has ever been 32 weeks pregnant for the third time knows what happened next. Except it felt different, I thought, hmm was that pee or something else? Then I had a contraction.

"Okay kiddos, lets go into the computer lab and work on the math program." "Are we going to finish correcting this?" "Nope, you guys head in there and I'm going to run to the office, I'll be right with you." I went to the ladies room and still couldn't decide. I knew my water hadn't broken like it had with both of my guys, but I'd read about ladies having sprung a leak.

I went back to my kiddos, finished the class just a tad distracted. When the bell rang, I went straight to the phone and called my sister, of course. Went back and forth as to if I should go in or not. The tests to determine if it was amniotic fluid was inconclusive, ph paper said yes, ferning said no. But the fFN test came back positive (go ahead, google it. I'll be here) and I was dilated to 2. So I had an ultrasound, my cervix length measured 2 centimeters, if you're wondering. I would be spending the night in the hospital.

Hubby had picked up the kids and fed them supper. School was basically taken care of, I had already planned on having a sub on Thursday. I was going to spend the day with my mom. I called my dad and told him I wouldn't be able to come up. He said he wouldn't tell Mom that I was in the hospital, just that I wasn't feeling good. I was fine with that, he said she'd been kinda mixed up and he didn't want to confuse her.

My dad and I don't usually talk much. He is naturally a quiet man and Mom usually runs interference between us. But now we have to talk, it felt so weird to be telling my dad that I thought my water broke and that I was dilating. That is so a Mom conversation. I told him everything would be okay and that it was like when my sister J.J. had preterm labor a couple years ago. It wasn't exactly the same, she hadn't been dilating and had regular contractions. I was having some contractions but not regular.
But my mom had gone into preterm labor with my youngest sister and Mom had nearly died. My sister was on bed rest for 5 weeks, was up for a couple week before they induced her. She had a healthy baby girl. So I figured it was better to compare my situation to my sister's rather than my mom's. So I downplayed things just a little for my dad. Said I would probably be up over the weekend. He sounded so... tired. I guess tired is the best way to say it, he didn't sound like the Dad I knew.

They started me on a steroid to develop Little Miss' lungs in case she did show up. I was on a monitor to watch the contractions and some medicine to stop the contractions. I was tested for Strep B and started on an IV antibiotic and fluid. If things did develop further, I would be sent to the Biggish city to the north. The same city my mom is hospitalized in, unfortunately we would be in different hospitals. But her hospital specializes bone marrow transplants, mine in taking care of babies, so we would both be in the right place for us.

My doctor came in in the morning, I was dilated to 3, damn it! But she said I could stay here for the day and she would check on me later to decide if I needed to be moved up. Long day of channel surfing. But that night I had an Ambian, I slept better than I have in months!

When my doctor came in Friday morning, I was still dilated to 3 and hadn't had many contractions over night. She said I could go home, yippee! But on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy, not so yippee.

My sister, J.J., was going to be in town to give a talk at the college. Hubby had to teach, he has missed so many classes this semester, so JJ was going to give me a ride home. Our oldest sister, Lu, was going to spend the day with Mom and Dad. As I was packing things up and trying to figure out how to plan for a sub for the rest of the school year, Lu called. She asked where I was and if JJ was there yet. When I said no, she said we should call her when JJ got there and she would let us know what Mom's doctor. I asked if Lu was okay, she said yep just call when JJ and I were together.

I hung up the phone and started to cry. If Lu had good news she would have told me, whatever the hell was going on wasn't good. I tried not to totally break down, because that wouldn't help my situation at all. But, seriously? It's my mom, I need my mom. I took a couple deep breaths and called for the nurse. I'd only had a small contraction, but I figured I should take the pill to stop the contractions because I knew more were coming. The pill makes me jittery, but it's worth it.

JJ got there. She'd talked to Lu and basically got the same cryptic call me when you are together. JJ said it was a really long 40 minute drive from the Biggish city to the south where she lives. We loaded up and got in the car, we needed to stop at the pharmacy for my meds and the deli for lunch. But as soon as we got in the car, we called Lu and put her on speaker phone. I will never forget sitting in the drive through window at the pharmacy and listening to my sister drop the latest bomb. Mom was basically incoherent, muttering but making no sence, not recognizing anyone, not able to do anything for herself. The doctors didn't know if she would come back to us. They thought it was a side effect of one of the three very strong chemos she was on, but it could be encephalitis. They couldn't test for encephalitis, her blood count was too low. So they were treating encephalitis and were giving the antidote for the chemo. (even in this crazy conversation, the fact that they have an antidote for the chemo kinda cracked me up.)

But the kicker was, even if she came out of this, we weren't sure if the chemo had had a chance to kill the bone marrow and it was the last option. If she came back to us, there was a good chance it would be to say good bye, and I was on fucking bed rest. If you're wondering, this is what composes a really bad day.