And the world smiles with you

I am usually a pretty upbeat person.  I've always been relatively laid back, well, that doesn't completely describe it.  I am hyper sometimes and sensitive most the time.  And I have dealt with depression which is its own monster. But my mode of operation is generally positive.

I remember thinking in high school being positive wasn't cool, too Pollyanna.  So I tried to down play it.  When someone asked how I was doing, I'd say, "Tired," or "Bored".  During study hall, I was sitting with a new student.  I went to a small school, around 75 students per grade, it was the consolidation of four small  farm towns, the school was literally in the middle of a corn field.  We didn't have many new students and this girl was something altogether different.  She moved there from Chicago to live with a relative, aunt or grandma, to get away from the gangs.  Well, that was the story told around town, this was also when "Fresh Prince" was on TV so who knows.  So she sat down next to me a couple weeks into her stay, and asked how I was.  I responded with tired or something along those lines and she said I must have a hard life because whenever she asked how I was, the answer was negative. I realized that was NOT who I wanted to be.  Because I really am a generally happy person, it wasn't hard to make the change.

Even in the midst of really hard times, when someone asks how I'm doing, I generally say, "Peachy".  Although, sometimes I have a bit of an ironic tone to it.  But I'm not lying, I am doing peachy, good enough, can't complain.  Well, I usually can complain about something, but why bother, doesn't help.  Okay, I do complain more than I wish I did, but I'm trying! 

And, I try to avoid lying, even white lies.  I certain fall short of that one, but I try.  When my kids ask a questions, I try to be truthful to the degree they are ready for it. We do have Santa and the Tooth Fairy, but when they question it, I tell them the truth.  I resigned from my position before having a new job because signing a contract I did not intend to fulfill felt like a lie and I wasn't comfortable with it.

But all this, this move with no set plans, no job offer, no certainty, this sucks.  I'm starting to have a really hard time being upbeat. People are so nice, and maybe nosy, in our small town, almost anytime I go somewhere I run into a friend, or church member, or a parent of one of my former students, and they always ask how things are going and if we have jobs yet.  And it is driving me nuts!  I really do think most people mean well, but I'm really starting to wish I'd signed my contract and just looked for jobs without saying anything!

I am trying though, trying to look at the good, anticipate the journey, and appreciate what I do have.  Even if I do go nuts in the process.