Back to reality

For the last couple months, I felt like I was existing in some sort of alternate reality. My hubby and the guys were in the "real world" interacting with real people and I was home, on my couch. People dropped by and I left the house for doctor appointments and such, but I felt outside of it all. I was, as a friend wrote in a card, sitting on my egg and talking to people on the phone (as evidenced by my huge phone bill.) This was especially true in regards to my classroom, I felt completely detached from my students although the sub was updating me. Now I feel like I am re-entering society. It's going okay, although bumpy at times.

The guys adore their little sister. The other day, Hope was on blanket on the floor and they were laying on their tummy's by her. Every time she would look from one brother to the other, they would say, "See she's looking at me, she loves me more." Joey is quick to want to hold her. Jon is willing to, but is more apt to interact with her while she is in a seat or my arms. It is amazing how much they have matured in the last couple months, especially Jon. He will be nine next month and is starting to feel like a mini adult. When I ask him to help, he often does so immediately and cheerfully. Notice I said "often" not "always," he is still an eight year old boy. He'll often make little noises with his mouth or body parts that can drive me insane. But apparently that is very common in prepubescent boys. Crazy that I have a child who could be considered prepubescent.

Joey often has problems with changes in his routine. Even going on vacation can be traumatic for us both. I was really nervous about his reaction to no longer being the youngest and finishing kindergarten in the same month. Adding his first funeral to the mix seemed like disaster waiting to happen. But he's done pretty well. Adores Hope, I know I already said that, but he really just loves her. He has had a couple tantrums including a notable one during a haircut from Uncle Duff, that was fun. But all in all he is doing well, as long as I cuddle him up regularly, which I am usually thrilled to do.

I'm trying hard to strike the right balance of busy and downtime for the summer. Last week, the guys attended Vacation Bible School at our church. I usually help at VBS, but Steve (our minister) absolved me of all duties at church for awhile. The sad thing is, I had to remind myself of that multiple times over the week to shut the Guilt Monster up. GM has a lot to say in my head, but I'm working hard at silencing it! VBS was studing the Psalms, they made multiple instruments, drums, harps and such, and sang some of the Psalms. It helped my soul to hear Joey singing, off tune of course, "Be still and know that I am God, Sala, Sala, Shalom." I cried during the service when we sang Psalm 23, the chapter had been read at the family service for my mom. But I laughed when watching kiddos sing.

Jon is playing baseball every Tuesday and Thursday and Joey is playing T-ball every Monday and Wednesday night. They are both in the community theater production of Oklahoma, practice is Sunday and Wednesday evening. So that keeps our evenings full. MIL is taking them to play practice which is a blessing. During the day, we have some weeks with activities, VBS, Art camp and such, and some quiet weeks. This week was suppose to be a quiet week.

Hope continues to be a good baby, for the most part. I am really trying to savor this time with her and not wish it away for a time when she sleeps through the night. All plans are for her to be my last child and I want to be as fully present as I can be for her babyhood. I know how quickly it will be gone.

But honestly, a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. For so long, our lives have been a bad thing followed by a good thing, rinse and repeat. Mom died, bad thing, Hope was born, good thing. To a degree, I've been waiting for the next bad thing, because it has to happen. Another part of me, says no, the Big Bad Thing came with Mom's death and now it's time for things to settle. For normal tragedies like a skinned knee or a missed bill or such to replace the real tragedies we've been encountering. We need to eventually go back to a normal life, things can't keep up this soap opera drama month after month. Can it?